When offering support to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it’s crucial to avoid invalidating their feelings or experiences. Phrases that dismiss their emotions, blame them, or offer simplistic solutions are generally unhelpful and can be harmful. Focus on empathy, validation, and encouraging professional help.
Understanding What Not to Say to Someone with BPD
Navigating conversations with individuals experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) requires sensitivity and a deep understanding of their unique challenges. While your intentions may be to help, certain phrases can inadvertently cause distress, invalidate their feelings, or escalate difficult situations. Learning what not to say is as important as knowing what to say.
The core of BPD often involves intense emotional dysregulation, unstable relationships, and a fear of abandonment. This means that what might seem like a minor comment to someone without BPD can feel like a profound rejection or criticism to someone who is struggling. Therefore, it’s vital to approach these interactions with compassion and awareness.
Phrases That Invalidate Feelings
Invalidating someone’s emotions is a common pitfall. It suggests that their feelings are not real, justified, or important. For someone with BPD, whose emotional experiences can be overwhelming, this can be deeply damaging.
- "You’re overreacting." This phrase dismisses their emotional response as excessive, implying they lack control or are being unreasonable.
- "Just calm down." While seemingly helpful, this command can feel impossible to follow for someone experiencing intense emotions and may make them feel misunderstood.
- "It’s not that big of a deal." This minimizes their distress, making them feel like their problems are insignificant.
- "You always do this." Generalizations like "always" or "never" can feel accusatory and reinforce feelings of shame or inadequacy.
Instead of these phrases, try acknowledging their feelings. "I can see you’re really upset right now" or "That sounds incredibly difficult" can offer a sense of validation.
Statements That Blame or Criticize
Direct blame or criticism can trigger intense feelings of shame and worthlessness in individuals with BPD. They may already be highly self-critical, and external judgment can exacerbate this.
- "You made me do this." Shifting blame can feel like a betrayal and can intensify feelings of guilt.
- "Why can’t you just be normal?" This statement implies they are fundamentally flawed and can foster deep insecurity.
- "You’re being manipulative." While manipulative behaviors can sometimes occur, labeling them directly can shut down communication and increase defensiveness.
Focus on understanding the behavior rather than labeling the person. "I’m feeling overwhelmed by this situation" is more constructive than "You’re making me feel overwhelmed."
Offering Simplistic Solutions
While the desire to fix a problem is natural, offering quick fixes for complex emotional issues can be counterproductive. It can make the person with BPD feel unheard or that their struggles are being oversimplified.
- "Just think positive." This ignores the depth of their emotional pain and can feel dismissive.
- "You should just…" Giving unsolicited advice can feel patronizing.
- "You need to get over it." This implies their struggles are a choice and can be easily overcome, which is not the reality for BPD.
Instead, encourage them to explore their feelings and support their journey toward professional help. "What do you think would help you right now?" or "Have you considered talking to your therapist about this?" can be more effective.
Phrases That Trigger Fear of Abandonment
The fear of abandonment is a hallmark symptom of BPD. Comments that hint at leaving, withdrawing support, or expressing frustration with their needs can be particularly distressing.
- "I can’t deal with you anymore." This directly expresses a desire to withdraw, triggering intense fear.
- "I’m leaving." Even if said in anger, this can be profoundly impactful.
- "You’re too much for me." This can reinforce their feelings of being a burden.
When you need space, communicate it clearly and reassuringly. "I need a little time to myself right now, but I care about you and we can talk later" is better than a sudden withdrawal.
The Importance of Validation and Empathy
At the heart of supportive communication with someone with BPD lies validation and empathy. Validation means acknowledging their feelings as real and understandable, even if you don’t agree with their perspective or behavior. Empathy is about trying to understand their experience from their point of view.
A helpful framework is "I hear you, and I understand that you feel X." This doesn’t mean you condone harmful actions, but it acknowledges the reality of their emotional state.
Practical Examples of Supportive Language
Here are some examples of how to reframe unhelpful statements into supportive ones:
| Unhelpful Statement | Supportive Alternative |
|---|---|
| "You’re overreacting." | "I can see this is really upsetting for you." |
| "Just calm down." | "It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed. What can I do to help you feel a bit safer?" |
| "It’s not that big of a deal." | "It sounds like this is a big deal for you, and your feelings are valid." |
| "You always do this." | "I’m finding this situation difficult. Can we talk about what’s happening?" |
| "Why can’t you just be normal?" | "I’m here for you, and I want to understand what you’re going through." |
| "You should just get over it." | "This sounds really tough. What kind of support do you need right now?" |
These alternatives focus on acknowledging their experience and offering support without judgment.
Encouraging Professional Help
While your support is invaluable, it’s crucial to remember that you are not a substitute for professional mental health care. Encouraging someone with BPD to seek or continue therapy is a vital part of supporting their recovery.
Phrases like, "Have you talked to your therapist about this?" or "I’m here to support you in getting the help you need" can be very effective. Avoid taking on the role of their therapist. Your role is to be a supportive friend, family member, or partner.
When to Set Boundaries
It’s also important to maintain your own well-being. Setting healthy boundaries is not unsupportive; it’s essential for a sustainable relationship. Clearly communicate your limits without judgment. For instance, "I can talk with you for another 30 minutes, but then I need to focus on [task